So I haven’t had a steady job since the end of 2019. It isn’t a problem money wise, I get that. But I fear, I fear of becoming obsolete.

“Amor Fati- Love your fate”

“What horrifies me most is the idea of being useless: well educated, brilliantly promising, and fading out into an indifferent middle age.” – Sylvia Plath

I write a lot, really I do. But nothing much ever gets published. I don’t think it’s for the masses. I don’t think I’m for the masses.

I’ve got so much fear in finding a job. I’ve got 15 kidney stones sitting in my kidneys at the moment. The thing is, those could mean the ER or surgery at any point. And then usually 2 weeks of recovery. Tell me a job who is fine with that? What if it happens multiple times during a year?

What if I’ve spent so long outside of the work force that no one wants me? I’m scared.

If I get a 9-5 will that make me happy? I’ll feel useful maybe. Contribute to the household. But I’m so scared.

I’m so scared to become nothing.

I did buy rune stones…hoping that will keep me busy.

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