December
Christmas was fine. No hiccups really.
The main thing I gained this month was much deeper than gifts. I rewatched the movie Hook. Robin Williams is a hero of mine, and the story of Peter Pan has been important to me my whole life. But I forgot. I have spent years forgetting. Forgetting what’s most important to me.
Adults, we forget about stories and magic and wonder. Forgetting is painful and you don’t even realize you’re doing it. It’s like the world takes over your whole being and there’s no room left for play. Yes play. Adults need to play. As I watched the movie I began to cry. Which is nearly impossible for me…(medications). I cried because just like the main character, I’d forgotten who I was.
For many years I would literally say I never wanted to grow up. Well into my 20s. And by that I didn’t mean act immature, I meant I didn’t want my brain to change. I wanted to be cheerful, loving, and kind. But also, to have fun. I can’t remember the last time I had real fun. There are trips, and friends, and dinners, but I wasn’t present for them, not really. I was too busy worrying about money, jobs, appointments, and what I thought was unavoidable anxiety. And that was life. Just those little bits.
Years went by that way. And watching Hook broke me down. Broke walls down in an incredible way.
I was never Wendy, or a lost boy. I was always Peter. I often identify with male leads. (I’m also Batman, obviously). Strangely taking a leadership role. But a leadership role in fun. So why can’t I do that now? Nothing is stopping me, except for myself.
2024 I am going to get out of my own way. Have an imagination for fucks sake. And not just survive life but play. An adult who has fun, can you imagine?
