So here’s what I’m working on…it’s real popular right now…everyone’s doing it…self-care. But here’s the thing, whenever I read any sort of positive self-help saying or (what the fuck is that word…..like you chant it maybe…mantra…that’s not it) my brain doesn’t work.. Anyways, whenever I’m facing those sayings, I can’t speak the words. Happy words make me dry heave. Believing in myself goes against everything I’ve ever known. Believing I’m worthy to exist is something I’m used to debating every day.
Dry your eyes dear reader, I’m not here to focus on the sad business. Instead it’s getting to accept myself.
I, Jennifer Coss, do not TECHNICALLY have a job. But I read this horrible thing that said: It’s time to finally accept your true purpose.
I’ve spent like ten years knowing that I would never manage a job in an office. And whatever I did find (appraising rare books and antiques/selling oddities) did not pay well and indeed make everyone smirk with judgment when I told of them. So I’m stuck, I’m stuck feeling like I’ll never measure up.
But what do I do well? I write, I’m a good writer, I’m sure of that. I’m a good painter. I’m a good researcher. Those are skills right? So If I believe the cringe-worthy sayings, I should accept those things. Wouldn’t it be nice to breathe fresh air and thing—yes I’m a painter who writes and knows stuff.
Celebrate your victories, no matter how small! (eye-roll)
Actually…the time its’s taking to write this, I’ve gone a bit sad again. Now I’m just thinking about the tofu in the fridge. How I like animals a lot. How I’m 35. How I have to tell the doctors every fucking time that I’m not working at the moment.
But this piece of art/meme says that: now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.
I think I’d like to know that I’m not the only one wanting to be at least good. And then truly believe I meant it.