I’ve been thinking about this blog; I’ve been doing it for years. And I get why people just stop posting and let it sit. Life gets bigger. There doesn’t seem to be enough time or desire fades.
I don’t write anything big or important. No one is clamoring for the next post. No one’s clamoring for anything I do really. It makes me confused. Confused with life. I find myself confused on a daily basis practically.
I’m trying to make a breakthrough in my mental game. To find peace. To find meaning. But it comes and goes day by day. Therapy session by therapy session. Pill by pill.
I started meditating pretty frequently and this saying burst into my head: Be at peace with your fate. If only I could just be at peace with my fate every day.
A lot of my goals for life have come and gone. Beyond my reach and I have to swallow those facts every so often.
Down in the gritty truth is my constant thought that I don’t contribute. I don’t make any money so I’m not contributing to my household. I don’t get published so I’m not contributing to the written world I love so much. Once again, stuck in a confusing loop.
I’ve applied for multiple jobs this past year and got none of them…obviously. I’ve had health issues that would make an office job near impossible. So where does that leave me?
Battling my mind, battling addiction. Battling whether or not to get my stupid hair cut.
If it’s not clear by now, I’m pouring my stupid average heart out. With first-world problems of a spoiled “house wife”. Confused and often lonely. Overweight and tired. Waiting for inspiration, peace, and some form of “success”. If I’m relatable in any way that would be something. Mean something.